Living in a new norm.
I’m not living in the new norm yet because I am still healing internally. Anyone who has had a hysterectomy knows how long and tiring the healing journey is no matter what the reason was for the hysterectomy.
The DNA results came back negative which is awesome for my child’s future. Mentally it’s relieving on many levels but emotionally it makes it harder bc I want something to blame for my endometrial cancer. It’s too complicated to even figure out what caused it even though it could be just severe hormone imbalance. Diet, exercise, and managing stress from a hormone perspective will have to be part of my new norm. Any hormone nutritionist specialist out there?? No one can control their risk for cancer completely but at least I can take back my body knowing I won’t be facing pregnancy or strong crazy weight gain meds at this point. Trying to take control over more tangible things will help.
So what now? We are meeting with a fertility specialist (hopefully one our oncologist actually recommended before we knew the cancer had come back) and consulting with him to see if I am a candidate to be able to use a surrogate since I still have an ovary.
My new norm will be being a person who is strong physically and mentally one day at a time. I will hug my child a lot more and cry thinking about how much she fills my heart. I will be someone who moves on. I will have bad days bc let’s face it hormone changes super suck. It may take a year before I actually don’t have physical set backs (not myself 100%). I will have days of ugly crying and hopefully restoration. I have not abandoned my faith. I am in a valley. I am just waiting in peace during this stale phase after being so engulfed in so much emotion the past 3 years. I will eventually have fire and passion again for what I did in the past- I will eventually be able to sing, rejoice and proclaim goodness. But for now- just as in any deep relationship that goes through a rocky place, as a human, sitting quiet during this spiritual lul is where I’m at. I don’t like this place and hope it passes sooner than later.
So for now- peace, finding a new hope, finding new things to look forward to (thanks to my late Gma for always making that a known priority), holding my miracle child close, and rebuking fear of my health future (thanks to the word cancer as anyone who’s been there knows).
Thanks for the prayers as we move forward with life and figure out how our family may or may not grow as I continue to heal on so many levels.
There’s a lot to be thankful for despite, but for now just trying to heal from the past 3 years.
