I was just lying here thinking about tomorrow. Thinking about how great the process thus far has been.  I’ve had more support than I thought through this and they are excited for me and our family’s next phase of life. We are in a new phase. After many disappointments and heart aches and breaks the past several years, getting good results health wise and fertility wise  is reenergizing and uplifting. Seems as if this part wasn’t the issue (we knew that). It was just the growing chamber that was broken. :/  We are still humbled that we get to take this ivf/surro route to grow our family. We are almost broke and take each bill as one step at a time, but after spending so much $ on my health the last few years to preserve fertility,and  my health , we know money comes and money goes. God knew when he made me, I was not a quitter when facing a challenge given to me. This is my journey. God doesn’t give the same circumstances to everyone.  He has equip me for this phase. So for that- I’ve endured 2 weeks of injections, multiple appointments and blood work and now- waiting. Egg retrieval is tomorrow. We find out Friday which ones made it to embryos and then next week, which ones are strong enough to be used. My ivf nurse did not anticipate such a successful suppression cycle, but we have had amazing results- 7 or 8 to be retrieved! We also know not all of them will make it- maybe 1/2 maybe 1/4. A bit restless, but I know we have dedicated our minds to one step at a time. I know multiple people who did not make it to this step on the first attempt. I know many who have to repeat these steps multiple time to prep for egg retrieval. I don’t know what will happen, but I know we are surrounded by amazing support and prayer for each step! Those who have walked closely with us the past 4 years and are rejoicing at this phase for our family.  Thank you- you are my inspiration when I doubt, fear or want to give up.

So-we proceed to the procedure tomorrow and then we wait. Thank you for the continued prayers as we step into another level. Day by day.  I’ll try to keep up with this blog as we move towards transfer day!

Thankful at this point, despite what seemed like an end to having another biological child, we were told by the dr that I could keep an ovary. Not something we expected to be able to do, so we are thankful! I was highly encouraged to get the genetic testing to determine my course of preventative tests at this point. The particular cancer gene they tested for, I did not have. Phew. Thankful. So, with knowing that, along with being able to keep an ovary, we decided after much research, seeking professional guidance to educate ourselves, we decided to move forward- one step at a time with surrogacy. We are about a month into the process and I have begun our part of the process with the dr. Each phase demands a financial responsibility and in the end we will have needed about $16k, if we progress smoothly. Our financial goal is much lower than the average thanks to blessings from insurance and from some dear friends here in town who have a big heart and are willing to carry a future child for us. We are applying for grants, funding, and literally taking one step at a time.
Thank you for your prayer, encouragement, and support as we continue this journey through this currently open door.
We may have never thought we’d be faced with this journey, but we would never had been able to make it this far without support and prayer. There has been light in the midst of a darker situation.  It takes a village! #brewervillage
We have our first fundraiser started. Feel free to share the link.
 https://www.bonfire.com/it-takes-a-village-13/

Living with a new norm

Living in a new norm.
I’m not living in the new norm yet because I am still healing internally. Anyone who has had a hysterectomy knows how long and tiring the healing journey is no matter what the reason was for the hysterectomy.
The DNA results came back negative which is awesome for my child’s future. Mentally it’s relieving on many levels but emotionally it makes it harder bc I want something to blame for my endometrial cancer. It’s too complicated to even figure out what caused it even though it could be just severe hormone imbalance. Diet, exercise, and managing stress from a hormone perspective will have to be part of my new norm. Any hormone nutritionist specialist out there??  No one can control their risk for cancer completely but at least I can take back my body knowing I won’t be facing pregnancy or strong crazy weight gain meds at this point. Trying to take control over more tangible things will help.
So what now? We are meeting with a fertility specialist (hopefully one our oncologist actually recommended before we knew the cancer had come back) and consulting with him to see if I am a candidate to be able to use a surrogate since I still have an ovary.

My new norm will be being a person who is strong physically and mentally one day at a time. I will hug my child a lot more and cry thinking about how much she fills my heart. I will be someone who moves on. I will have bad days bc let’s face it hormone changes super suck. It may take a year before I actually don’t have physical set backs (not myself 100%). I will have days of ugly crying and hopefully restoration. I have not abandoned my faith. I am in a valley. I am just waiting in peace during this stale phase after being so engulfed in so much emotion the past 3 years. I will eventually have fire and passion again for what I did in the past- I will eventually be able to sing, rejoice and proclaim goodness. But for now- just as in any deep relationship that goes through a rocky place, as a human, sitting quiet during this spiritual lul is where I’m at. I don’t like this place and hope it passes sooner than later.

So for now- peace, finding a new hope, finding new things to look forward to (thanks to my late Gma for always making that a known priority), holding my miracle child close, and rebuking fear of my health future (thanks to the word cancer as anyone who’s been there knows).

Thanks for the prayers as we move forward with life and figure out how our family may or may not grow as I continue to heal on so many levels.

There’s a lot to be thankful for despite, but for now just trying to heal from the past 3 years.

I feel defeated. I am angry. I guess taking a risk 3 years ago has brought me to a dead end. I am only writing this post at this point to share where we are at. I can’t pray right now- I can’t think. I need a lot of intercession in the next week. I got the call today that I have cancer again in my uterus. I had cancer in my uterus after a biopsy in July of  2016.  I had a d&c following that biopsy and he said “I don’t know what I pulled out, but there’s no sign of cancer in your uterus.”  Fast forward and I’ve had pre cancer and then an all clear biopsy. It seriously has been the most draining roller coaster rides of my life.
So what now? Hysterectomy next Friday most likely. . I have a d&c tomorrow to look inside (per my request) and then we have a very very small chance of one last pregnancy. If d&c is 100% clear- immediat fetility dr treatment plan for at most 3 month. If no pregnancy- immediate hysterectomy- we are not playing with fire anymore.  If d&c is not 100% clear- hysterectomy as scheduled for next Friday.

Our last biopsy  in October was clear!! Praise the Lord.

Well, the oncologist was not expecting to see me again, but as of now, I will be going in for my routine biopsy on April 3. Praying and believing in another clear biopsy!!
We have since sought out some OBgyn guidance and have a plan with them to see if we have some options to help with a future  pregnancy.  We are taking baby steps with this part of the journey until after our CLEAR biopsy in 2 weeks.

Pray for a clear biopsy, wisdom as we are given options from obgyn, peace, and strength to get through another step. He has healed, he has done a miracle, he can do it again and we are coming boldly to him expecting beyond what we even are hoping for (clear biopsy).

Emotions are crazy (go figure with hormone imbalance), so working through each step and clinging to truth is what I have to choose despite negative pregnancy tests each month, or what I may feel with anxiety, anger, frustration. I will choose peace and truth.

We have had six months since the last D&C. I have a radiologist ultrasound next week. Then it's on to another biopsy.  At this point I am praying for wisdom and peace as the Dr. guides us one way or another depending on the biopsy results. I had a hope that I would not be having another D&C. This is still a possibility. I am praying for a clear biopsy- something I've not had yet.
I am growing weary. It is hard to know what to do when after 2 years of this process, we are still having issues with overgrowth in my uterus.

I am waiting for God to show up in a way only he can. I feel that I've used every ounce of hope and faith. I still don't know what will happen but as soon as I'm going into surgery for a hysterectomy, I will be starting our adoption fundraiser.

I do still have hope, but you reach a point of preparing seriously for the next step and accepting God's plan- as it seems at least.

Thank you for continuing to pray specifically for healing and a clear biopsy in the next two weeks.

We are praising God for a clear report from the D&C. I had been on the medicine since December 1 and had my biopsy via D&C on Friday. The Drs exact words we're "your uterus looks perfect!"  He said that the only thing is that if there's no pregnancy by August/September I'll have an ultrasound done by radiology.

I am proclaiming Gids healing! Faith is evidence of things we hope for, things unseen!  I have hope. I have faith that God has many blessings in store and an amazing testimony he has already given us.

Keep praying for health for a healthy pregnancy as there are many risks due to the medicine I have been on.  We are seeking wisdom to make the right choices as well to avoid another ectopic.

Thank you for all the prayer support. Thank you for being a part of our testimony.